Feel it all Around

sexgenderbody: One Week of My Life →

sexgenderbody:

So, in the past week a lot has happened and to be quite honest, I’m a little worn because of it. Yesterday, I had to take some paper work to the human resources department in order to be hired as a tutor over the summer. I had to submit an application for a background check, and on the background check was a blank for sex. I asked the lady what I should put down, because all of my current forms of ID say M because I’m still waiting on paper work to come back in the male to have them changed, but I am registered as F in the university’s system. When I told the lady I was registered as female with university, she asked,”Oh! Have you had the surgery yet?!” I played dumb hoping she’d realize what she was saying was invasive and inappropriate, and said, “What surgery?” “The sex change surgery,” she replied, as if there is one magic surgery you have to undergo. (I wish I’d said, no I already had one of those when I was four against my will and I don’t really want anymore thanks!) I stared at her for a minute and told her that I didn’t talk to people about my genitals and that the question was a little unbelievable for me to hear. She said,”Well I only asked because you said you were registered as female,” implying in order to be a woman, I have to pass her “what kind of genitals do you have test,” as if she goes around checking everyone she deems woman for the proper genitals.

An hour before that, I spoke with a lady who had attended Safe Zone training, a training to help people understand LGBTQI issues, a couple days earlier, and because of this training she met me, while I was speaking on the student panel, and learned I am trans after hearing me talk about my experiences as a transgender person. She spoke to me in the HR lobby, and continued to misgender me and use incorrect pronouns. When I corrected her, she apologized and told me if she hadn’t heard my voice, she never would have known. She probably thought she was being nice, saying “you look like a woman, you just need to work on x, y, and z” as though she were giving me helpful tips on how to be a woman, since in her mind I really am not, and if I’m going to be believable and “pass” I need to change this or that…. Kill me….. Just kill me. I just need to say, I’m happy with the woman I am, I do not need to live up to your fucked up standards. There are plenty of women with all the same traits as I have, some even have lower voices than me. Some have smaller breasts, some are taller, etc., etc. So fuck off. Do you say ma’am you know if you were shorter you’d look a lot more like a woman, to a woman you know who is not trans?! Of course not!!!

Two days ago, I had to show a person at the front desk of the police department my ID in order to attain a police report from my accident two weeks ago (I was hit by a car while biking, hit and run no less). When she saw the 6 year old ID, that looks nothing like me, she started misgendering me and using incorrect pronouns. Funny I never have that problem when I meet people for the first time and don’t say anything about being trans or show any old pictures of myself. I corrected her, and she completely ignored me and continued typing. She handed my ID back and assertively called me by my current first legal name, as if to say, “This is what you really are, stop pretending.” I told her I knew it must be confusing for her to see this ID, and that I went by Zane. She replied sarcastically, “Ok, Zane.”

Not thirty minutes ago, I was in the office of a professor, who thank god, uses the right pronouns and is in general very respectful, but her graduate student could use some practice. Even though she referred to me several times in front of him as “she,” he had a graduate class with me last semester, the first two weeks or so of which I wasn’t “full time (fml)” and he wanted to share that he knew something that she didn’t, that I was actually not a she at all! Gasp! She thankfully ignored him and continued calling me she.

Just to give you an idea of what all of this has reduced me to, I laid in bed and cried for half an hour last night, simply because a queer woman I follow on Tumblr posted a body positive picture that made me feel a little less awful about not being considered or treated as a woman because of my body and my past.

I’ve had a pretty lovely week. Pretty lovely indeed. Honestly, I’m kind of angry at humanity right now and hate pretty much everyone cis person on earth, and even a few trans folk at the moment. Forgive me, I’m just feeling a little accosted and like I can’t trust anyone to not say something entirely fucked up and disrespectful and ignorant. I do have quite a few people helping me with all of these issues, but it still just gets to be a little much sometimes, since no one can really prevent any of this. It feels like I just have to walk out the door and expect it, when I’d really just like to live my life in peace.

-tranzfat

Source: sexgenderbody